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I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.