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My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?