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No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.