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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.