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Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.