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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink