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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so Iām just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards