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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.