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That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.