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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."