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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.