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"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.