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When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.