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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.