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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"