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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!