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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone