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I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control