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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.