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My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?