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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).