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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Iām holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...