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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.