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I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches