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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.