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I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Siri, where are my pants?
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me