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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.