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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.