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Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.