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Iām cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.