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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?