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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
I need a partner in wine.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.