Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
High-five a veteran today.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch