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If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.