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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.