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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.