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Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.