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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....