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One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.