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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
insert coin to view my status
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…