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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.