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If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.