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A wise man once said nothing.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.