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My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it