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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.