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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.