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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.