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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.