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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
This status has been censored by Facebook
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move