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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99