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DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.