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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.