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It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies Iām going to pay with.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.