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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”