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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what Iām talking about.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
drinks well with others.
You had me at 0 mutual friends