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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.