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I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.