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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.