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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.