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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.