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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.