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I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
You had me at 0 mutual friends