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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Gun Control: Use both hands
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.