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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.