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So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]