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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.