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Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.