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Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
When in doubt, take a nap.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.