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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.