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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."